Few Zoom calls have made me feel as self-conscious as my chat with Robert Biswas-Diener. An executive coach and psychologist, he recently co-authored a book on “radical listening.” Like many people, I had assumed I was a pretty good listener, but what if I’ve been doing it all wrong?
By the end of the conversation, my fears have been confirmed: of the half-dozen skills he describes, I demonstrate only half.
The good news is that we can all improve and the benefits seem endless.
By lending a more attentive ear to the people we meet, we become better negotiators, collaborators, and managers, while improving our own mental health. “It can be an antidote to many problems,” says Biswas-Diener.
Better listeners = better at work
Being a good listener is much more than staying quiet and periodically nodding politely. There is a practice called “active listening” and research confirms that it is one of the most valuable skills in life.
Consider a 2024 study by Guy Itzchakov of the University of Haifa in Israel and his colleagues. The team first asked 1,039 workers from various industries to judge their colleagues’ listening skills by rating statements such as: “When my colleagues listen to me, they really want to hear my point of view” and “They show me that they understand what I say.”
Over the next five days, they found that these scores predicted each participant’s commitment to their organization, their emotional resilience after stressful events, and their willingness to cooperate with other employees.
Feeling heard can be especially important in times of uncertainty. A survey by Tiffany Kriz, an associate professor of management and organizations at MacEwan University in Canada, for example, has shown that bosses with better listening skills are much more effective at calming feelings of job insecurity after a layoff.
It’s not just the people around us who will benefit. Itzchakov has found that people with greater listening skills enjoy better mental health through closer connections with their colleagues. For example, they are less likely to suffer from work-related burnout.
The question is, how can we improve the habits we have always taken for granted? That’s why I called Biswas-Diener, whose book on the subject,Radical Listening: The Art of True Connection,came out earlier this year.
Your step-by-step guide to becoming a better listener
The first step is practical: eliminate as many distractions as possible.
Close your office door, put your phone on silent, turn off your laptop, whatever you need to focus solely on the person in front of you. No one likes to be “phubbed” while checking their notifications. (Hands up: I’m guilty of this.)
Now it’s time for mental work, which begins by setting your intention for the conversation: Do you want to be entertained or learn something new? “That’s going to guide what you’re paying attention to,” he says.
At the same time, you must identify the intentions of your interlocutor: is he looking for advice, practical support or compassion? Each will require a different type of response. This principle, called “optimal combination of support,” should avoid those awkward moments that could lead to misunderstandings.
Remember: Part of being a good listener is knowing what to say based on what you heard while listening.
In many conversations, you will have to navigate disagreements. This means raising your intellectual humility so as not to carelessly dismiss the other person’s point of view. “It’s not about pretending that you have less value than someone else, but rather recognizing that your opinion may be limited and biased,” says Biswas-Diener.
“And if you don’t like what the person says, you can always be curious about them,” he says. Listen, instead of picking a fight.
Psychological research shows that small signs of genuine interest in others’ opinions can be incredibly disarming. This defuses the potential for conflict and encourages the other person to recognize their own doubts, so they are more receptive to your point of view. This may be because people tend to overestimate others’ intention to change their mind, and any display of open-mindedness will allay those fears. Be a humble and active listener and simply ask someone.becausehave reached a particular judgment, they can lower their defenses, thus potentially making the communication more successful.
Whenever possible, you should also validate the qualities you admire. “You may not like their personality, but you can always recognize how honest, direct and thoughtful they are,” says Biswas-Diener. Listen carefully to find something you can compliment.
Finally, and perhaps most counterintuitively, Biswas-Diener suggests listening and then actively intervening at appropriate moments. While this may seem to go against all good etiquette guidelines, a few ecstatic interruptions (“yeah!” “I was thinking the same thing!” “I didn’t know that”) can increase the energy of the conversation and emphasize your interest in what they are saying. For similar reasons, you may feel free to finish someone’s sentence for them.
Even negative feedback, such as chiming in to explain that you’ve heard the story before, provides evidence that are listen, while patient silence may seem cold, distant, or distracted.
The speaker’s reaction will depend on your timing and how much air time you expect to take: remember to balance any interjections with the all-important listening. “If I jump in and out, it’s a completely acceptable interjection,” says Biswas-Diener. “The only time they don’t feel comfortable is when you get on the podium.”
A complete change of mentality
I’ve been practicing these skills for the three weeks since I first spoke with Biswas-Diener and I’ve already noticed some of the benefits.
Despite some reservations, I’ve been brave about interrupting people mid-flow, and as a result, I’ve been pleasantly surprised to see the energy of the conversation increase. Changing the way I listen changed the way both my interlocutor and I act during the discussion, in a really productive way.
By mentally clarifying my intentions, I have found work calls to be much more efficient and rewarding, and by demonstrating more curiosity about alternative points of view, I have found that it is now much easier to find successful agreements.
Biswas-Diener suggests that, like our physical muscles, these empathic skills should develop over time.
“You can even practice it while listening to radio interviews and ask what the interviewer is doing right.”
Those subtle signs of humility, curiosity, and acceptance will soon become much more obvious to you. “You will begin audience listening,” says Biswas-Diener.
And by emulating them, you’ll soon build stronger social connections.