You may remember feminist writer Lindy West from her days on X (né Twitter) yelling at sexist and anti-fat trolls. Or from your book Strident. Now, West is back with adult bracesa memoir that details her journey, a literal road trip, to accepting her husband’s request to open their marriage. Except it wasn’t really a request, like West says. And this time, people on social media had very strong opinions on the matter.
Slate senior writer Scaachi Koul joined Today, explained Co-host Noel King will talk about the Internet’s reaction to West’s new book and everything that came after.
Below is an excerpt from Koul’s conversation with Today, explainededited for length and clarity. There’s a lot more in the full episode, so listen Today, explained wherever you get podcasts, including Apple Podcasts, Pandora, and Spotify.
tell me about adult braces.
It is a very digestible book. adult braces They are Lindy’s memoirs. This is his fourth book. He has written many political polemics, social polemics, many personal writings, but these are some of the most personal. It’s a memoir about her cross-country road trip, but also about how she reformed her marriage and turned to polyamory with her husband.
Why do you think? [the polyamory] Do you have people so angry here?
I think there are some controversies here, some are legitimate and some really aren’t. So the illegitimate complaints are that this narrative often has to do with Lindy’s weight. She is fat. She writes a lot about being fat. Or some people say it has a lot to do with gender. Her partner, Aham, who is her husband (Aham is called he/him and they/them) is non-binary. So there have been many unnecessary attacks on this particular facet of the story.
The flip side is that the story Lindy tells in this memoir (and all we really have to go on is what she tells us) is pretty brutal for her. Your entry into polyamory is not necessarily honest. A lot of people have been using the word “coercive polyamory.” It’s not a term I’ve heard before, but rather the idea of telling your partner, “it’s this or nothing.”
She is clearly a reluctant participant in the first period of her foray into polyamory. They meet someone, he falls in love with her first and then she also falls in love with this person, Roya. And now the three of them are together.
When we frame this as it was coerciveash she was convinced of it. There is an opposite side to this that says: No, Aham, her husband, was honest with her from the beginning and in a way he hoped that would never happen..
It is clear that he told him, A condition of our marriage will be polyamory.
I think she understood some of the risks. She is an adult. Lindy doesn’t want to be infantilized. She said that several times, that she had and has autonomy, and these are her decisions. I think they are your decisions.
I want to bring the third party into this, like the couple did: Roya. Tell me where Lindy with Roya begins, where Lindy with Roya ends, and why you think the ending has also made people uncomfortable.
When Roya enters the scene, it is true that Aham had more than one girlfriend besides his wife. So Lindy is a little… I would say she was reluctant to learn anything about this person and said something like: go do what you must. Aham begins traveling to Portland once a month to spend a weekend with Roya.
He has a big medical problem while she’s on tour and Roya is there to help him. That begins to change the nature of your dynamic. Lindy talks a lot about… Wow, is this what it’s like to have a wife? Someone who is so organized, who takes care of the medical details and listens to me?
Over time, they begin to develop a friendship and then their relationship changes and becomes romantic. It fundamentally changes the entire nature of your polyamory, your marriage, and your family. And after that, Roya, moves into the forest with them, and that’s where she is now.
You went to the place where the family now lives. You wrote a profile of Lindy West. When you were there, did you press her at all on the issue of coercion?
She preempts that question. I think it’s something people have already told you. She says that’s just not true, and I understand what she’s saying, which is, How can I prove it to you other than living in this life?
But if you try to write something to convince other people, especially when it is a memoir, you will find it unsatisfying. And I know it intimately. There’s a lot I can do. What I can offer is a perspective and version of events. But as soon as I cross the threshold and feel like I’m evangelizing for something, if you don’t believe me in my own experience, then it doesn’t mean anything.
I think people see Lindy as a one-way mirror in a lot of ways. They see themselves in her. And when she makes decisions, when someone in that position, [whether] a celebrity, an influencer, a writer, [or] creative, makes decisions that his audience does not like, [that audience] He takes it very personally.
Lindy is someone who I think a lot of people, especially her fan base, have seen as bombastic, confident, raunchy, and fun. AND [then] Compare it with the version we read in adult braces – that she is anxious and insecure, and that this person in her life is hurting her.
As an audience, your representative is here. You feel defensive around her.
What do you think about this argument that Lindy West’s memoir of coming to polyamory is like the death of millennial feminism?
We can have feelings about anyone’s relationship as it is shown to us. We have the right to that, especially when we are offered a good like a book that you buy. But a person’s personal history, discomfort, misery, satisfaction, fulfillment or lack of fulfillment do not speak to the end of a social movement that has been woven for several decades and has more to do with Lindy West’s corner of the Internet.
Social movements flex. They change. I don’t think it’s the death of anything. It’s just where maybe that version ended.